If 45 had penned Walt Whitman’s iconic “Song of Myself,” it might go something like this: “I’m HUUUUUUGE! I’m so big, I contain multi….multitu…mutitidinal… – Believe me, I’m not being bragadocious – I gotta lotta stuff. the BEST.”
Here’s a sketch I wrote a while ago, inspired by events in Aleppo and watching too many infomercials…
Isis Correspondence School – A Faux Commercial for Isis2Go.com
Overheard on the Metro, “Did you get the Funeral Money?” “Did you use the Funeral Money?” “Did you get the Funeral Money?”
Yes, she repeated it many, many times. In a chipmonkesque voice, no less. Her companion, who looked like an attenuated hobbit, was stunned. He either didn’t hear her, or refused to understand.
To me, this was a welcome break from the usual Metro conversation topics: prison, parole, and baby daddy/mamma drama. Occasionally there is a reference to “weed” or other meds.
Some poor shmoe will ask for directions. I’m not sure why, but the casual rider is mostly perplexed.
I suspend my disbelief on a daily basis. Otherwise, I couldn’t get through the day. A friend of mine pointed out to me that my life is like one very long Tarantino film. Â Not quite.
It never ceases to amaze me how people hide behind their “spirituality.” We humans can justify/rationalize any action, including murder if it is done in the name of what we term “the greater good.” Of course, the definition of the greater good is extremely subjective.  One of the more astounding aspects of homo sapiens is the duality of our nature – our penchent for both good and evil, our higher aspirations, and our coarse urges.
In the end, I’m not sure why we find this surprising. After all, Hitler was a vegetarian.
I often walk on my lunch break. I work in downtown Los Angeles. Today, I walked through skid row. On purpose. I’m not sure why. It’s been a few years since I’ve taken that route. It was a conscious decision.
On San Pedro street between 5th & 8th, there are missions a-plenty. Also cop cars. Lots and lots of the “constabulary.” The homeless hang out/mill around amongst cardboard condos, lawn chairs, boom boxes, blankets, hefty bags, and mounds of unidentifiable flotsam and jetsam, which passes for possessions. Some are dragging their few belongings in suitcases. Some, in carts. One person had a week old puppy.
And yet, it was a vibrant scene. There was dancing. One man ran in place. I witnessed at least two prayer circles/huddles, one of which seemed like a 12-step meeting.
And then, I saw this on the side of a building: I Am My Own Rainbow.
I know I’m in the minority, but I actually like A-rod and would like to see him play again – even if he plays for a team other than the Yankees – although it appears that he may rejoin the Yankee roster tonight. Cue the media circus music.I know I’m in the minority, but I actually like A-rod and would like to see him play again – even if he plays for a team other than the Yankees – although it appears that he may rejoin the Yankee roster tonight. Cue the media circus music.
I don’t necessarily condone or approve the use of PEDs, however, the comedian in me says that they should be mandatory. That’s right, once you become a professional athlete, no matter what the sport (even bowling and poker), you have to take PEDs – “welcome to the big leagues – here’s your signing bonus, and your HGH, steroids, and testosterone. Your first drug test is in three weeks and it better be positive.â€
Kidding aside, PED usage is far more widespread than we know. I believe that it is still prevalent in most professional sports, despite more stringent testing. Name a sport, name a team and you’ll find someone who is using some form of PEDs. My husband’s friend, who was a member of the 1976 US Olympic Cycling team, states that cyclists have used blood doping and an early form of steroids since the late 1960s.
PED usage becomes more sophisticated over time – by the time tests are developed to identify banned substances and detect abnormally high hormone level (and other indicators of PEDs), the users have moved on to other methods.(they are generally about 2 steps ahead of the testing protocol).
I know from my own experience as a college athlete, that many people will do or try anything to give them a competitive edge. I was on the swim team for Barnard College, Columbia University. Swimmers were always experimenting with their diets, alternating carbo-loading with high protein regimens. It was common practice for swimmers to shave off all their body hair before a meet, including pubic hair and eyebrows in the belief that it would result in faster times. I refused to do this, which thoroughly irritated my coach. The difference between first place and finishing off of the medal podium is measured in fractions of a second.
We had the best divers in the East and we won many swim meets because of them. One of my teammates, Tina S. had been slated to go to the 1976 Olympics (she had been ranked as high as 4th in the nation on the 3 meter springboard) but she injured her back and had to miss the entire season. She recovered enough to continue diving in late 1977, but slipped in national rankings to # 14 and her hopes of competing internationally were dashed. Athletes also use PEDs to recover from injury or extend their careers. If you told Tina that she could have the opportunity to recover faster and continue diving at the same or better level by taking PEDs, I’m not sure what she would have done – and there was no money in swimming at the time. The difference between hitting ten home runs a year and thirty home runs is measured in millions of dollars.
If A-rod is allowed to play tonight, his reprieve from suspension may be fleeting. Who knows how long it will last. He can probably expect to be booed, even in Yankee Stadium. Especially in Yankee Stadium. Perhaps he deserves that. Getting booed never bothered Barry Bonds – hell, he used that as motivation. But A-rod wants to be loved and admired. Call it his tragic flaw.
It’s this contrast between his obvious need for adulation and his disregard for playing by the rules that make A-rod so interesting and entertaining. That and his undeniable talent – PEDs or no PEDs.
Barry Bonds didn’t care if you liked him. He only wanted your respect. So he could shove it in your face. Barry was a first ballot hall of famer without the PEDs. With the PEDs he became superhuman, smashing records, redefining the achievable, losing the hall of fame, and becoming the first poster-child for PEDs.
Why are we shocked that our heroes have feet of clay, or lead, or Kryptonite? Or PEDs running through their veins? Our heroes aren’t demigods; we want our heroes, our superman to perform superhuman feats naturally.
We want our heroes to be humble, forgetting that arrogance and/or hubris is often a key component, a critical driver of greatness.
Under the category of What will They Think of Next, the “Let’s Blame Vegans for Mad Cow Disease Award” goes to none other than Ms. (excuse me, Mrs.) Sarah Palin
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/2010/06/03/sarah-palin-blames-enviro_n_598977.html
It is, as my friend Michael suggests, “plot gravy.” With lumps, no less. I could string a further series of cliches together and still not clarify the situation. Murkiness prevails. It practically rules.
There are so many mystery ingredients in the mix that it goes way beyond pot luck. I’m dealing with master manipulators here. There is no immediate respite, although the goose is almost cooked.
Till then, it simmers – bubbling slowly on life’s stove, threatening to explode.
